On Spiders and Snakes

Yesterday while mowing my lawn I took this picture:

I posted it to facebook and somebody made the following comment about it:

 Orb spiders eat the bad bugs!

Almost like they were on the side of the spiders. And so I share with you, humanity, my thoughts on snakes and spiders. Any place that I have inserted “facts”, please know that I have not diligently checked them for accuracy. In fact, I am making them up to suit my needs. (It’s practice for a future in politics!)

Lie #1 we believe about snakes and spiders:
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. Sometimes they are also your enemy. We eat bad bugs? That is ridiculous. I have a house for a reason. It keeps the bad bugs outside. Also, I believe spiders are the only bug in my yard that may contain enough neuro-toxin to kill me. That seems worse than a mosquito bite that itches. If we want to have the enemy of my enemy talk, let’s talk about the pest control guys. They are my friend. They kill “bad bugs” as well as spiders.

Lie #2 we believe about snakes and spiders:
Snakes and spiders are pets… Someone in my church caught a large tarantula at work the other day and brought it to show it to us in the office. He “felt sorry for me” and others in the office that didn’t want to have it on our hand running around. That’s like bringing in flesh-burning acid and then shaking your head when I won’t stick my hand in “for the fun of it.” If that demon pet bites you, it will get a taste for your blood and eat you at night. Just watch any horror movie that involves snakes or spiders. That’s how it works.

I had a friend who had a pet python. Yes, the kind that kills people when the slightest opportunity is given. One day, he come home from school and it was gone. After a week, so was his cat. And a small herd of sheep. True story, except the sheep part. Snakes don’t like wool.

Lie #3 we believe about snakes and spiders:
We may get spiderman-like superpowers if we are bitten. That’s dumb. For every 1 spiderman, think of all the villians that are created. You are much more likely to turn into some snake-lie villian who wishes to turn an entire city into “bad bugs” for food than to turn into spiderman. So don’t try it.

Lie #4 we believe about snakes and spiders:
Their mouths are too small to bite humans OR they will only bite you if provoked. When you believe these things, they have you right where they want you. RIGHT. WHERE. THEY. WANT. YOU! It’s kinda like playing dead with a lion or a bear. You know what lions and bears do with dead stuff? They eat it. And they are happy because they don’t have to chase it. Ask anyone who knows (mostly me): Snakes sit all coiled up so they can strike whenever you get in range. Unprovoked, on a nice walk, going to to do charity work for snakes and spiders? They don’t care. They want to share neuro-toxins with you.

Here is a short poll to gauge your feelings on snakes and spiders and what you have learned from me during this informative blogpost: In my opinion, one of the great, often ignored, dangers to humanity is:

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